Dick Tips

Life advice from a world-class asshole.

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Fuck Urinals

 

Image by markhillary (http://farm2.staticflickr.com/1370/1486364644_e9ff1d8658.jpg)

For some reason, urinals and I just don’t get along. I guess they call it having a “shy bladder”, but it’s more than that. No, I don’t pee sitting down or anything like that. I just have problems with the whole communal urination thing.

When I step up to a urinal, I immediately get stage fright. It feels as if you are being put on the spot, on exhibit for the world to see.

I’ll stand there for several minutes sometimes, just hoping for a droplet, an inkling, anything that can break the awkward silence.

What exactly are you supposed to do? What is the preferred protocol for pissing in a urinal?

Do you stand there and look straight ahead like you’re on timeout or something?

Or do you just look down at your flaccid penis, ashamed that your pubes are even longer than your actual dick?

I know what you’re NOT supposed to do, and that’s stare at somebody else’s dick, but it seems like every time I try to keep that rule in mind, it ends up being the only thing on my mind.

Curiosity, or maybe my closeted homosexuality, ends up getting the best of me and I try to sneak a peek. No homo though… I like girls and stuff.

I don’t know about anybody else, but when I’m done urinating, I like to clean it all up. You can’t really do that at a urinal, unless you spit on your junk like some 2nd rate porno shit.

If you were really desperate, I guess you could flush and quickly shower off in the trickling toilet water, but even then, the paper towels are always just out of reach. You’d have to quickly crab-walk your way over with your zipper down and your dick out, just to try and get dry.

Even if nobody sees you, imagine the mess that will be made, not to mention, it’d be pretty fucking disgusting.

I’ve never been one for the “two shake method”. No matter how many times you do it, it never feels like it’s enough. And you certainly can’t just put a leaky hose back in the shed. Fuck that.

If there is an open stall, take it every time. Especially if it’s a handicapped stall! Handle bars, reading material, and luxurious legroom!

I don’t care if there is line of wheelchairs backed up for miles behind me. Fuck you, go park yourself in the bike racks and shit there. Not my problem. My motto is first come, first serve!

In a stall, you have privacy, peace of mind and no pressure. There’s no unspoken time limit like there is at a urinal. You can be in there as long as you want. You can check your phone, scratch your balls, adjust your underwear, and even seamlessly transition into taking a shit.

Obviously, if I’m drunk or just can’t possibly hold it in any longer, I’ll piss in a urinal. Anything is better than peeing in your pants, or peeing the bed, or peeing in front of a cop. But if the option is there, take the stall. You won’t regret it.

Filed under funny lol humor urinals jusin bieber

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The iPad: The Greatest Thing To Ever Happen To The Written Word

Photo cred: Bm.iphone http://www.flickr.com/photos/bmiphone/4507482146/

I don’t know how you’re reading this right now— I also don’t really care, but as long as I suckered you into reading it for the next 10 minutes, my mission is accomplished.

You may be reading it on your phone, desktop computer or a laptop, but what you should be reading it on is an iPad.

Why an iPad? 

It’s simple, really. The iPad is the greatest thing to ever happen to the written word. That’s why that’s the title of this post.

Fuck paper, fuck the printing press, fuck the typewriter, and fuck hands. The iPad. That’s all that matters.

Why is the iPad so great?

It has basically solved everything that has ever sucked about reading.

With the iPad you don’t have to turn pages, you simply swipe!

If you’re fuckin blind, you can make the text bigger!

If you’re fuckin retarded, you can look up the definition of a word just by pressing on it!

You can carry around billions of books with you at one time without turning your purse into a nerdy Asian kid’s backpack.

But best of all, with the iPad, you don’t even have to read!

The iPad has not only managed to solve ancient reading problems, but it has also incorporated the 21st century into the reading experience.

Does a book allow you to check your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and your bank account all at the same time? No.

Does a book allow you to watch porn in between boring parts of a story? Fuck no.

Does a book allow you to stop right in the middle and seamlessly start writing a blog about why iPads are so amazing? No fuckin way.

But iPads do. And that’s what I did… on my iPad.

You may be saying, “Oh, but I have a Kindle or a Nook or some other shitty wannabe iPad!”

But you just said it yourself. That’s not an iPad.

Throw it away, pawn it, trade it, burn it, or sell it if you can find somebody dumber than you to take that piece of shit off your hands. It’ll be the greatest decision you’ve ever made in your life.

The iPad isn’t cheap. So if you are, try to find somebody who can afford it. Once you do, butter them up, jerk them off or just simply steal it from them. The satisfaction of having that pretty little thing in your hands for even a second (the iPad, not the penis) will outweigh any impending jail time.

So if you’re scrambling at the very last minute and trying to find something for that special someone on Valentine’s Day, fuck them.

Don’t get them shit.

Go buy yourself an iPad.

Filed under blog ipad ipad 2 ipad 3 reading valentine's day